You are probably familiar with the popular parlor game, Kill – Boff – Marry, where given the choice between three things, you must decide which you’d murder, sleep with or spend the rest of your life with.
In honor of IllumiNations’ 25th birthday (it opened for the first time January 30, 1988), Estelle and I decided to play a little game of Kill – Refurb – Marry with several attractions from the original IllumiNations era of Walt Disney World.
Don’t judge us.
KILL: The Great Movie Ride (May 1989)
Please hold your tomatoes! I know, I know … you love this attraction. It’s “classic” WDW, and everyone should love it. Pretty much everyone does. Except me. I mean, I am not averse to sitting for 20 delightful air conditioned minutes, but … eh. It’s hokey and a little insulting. The audio-animatronics are laughably bad, and my attention span is just too short. (I think this is why I’ve never managed to stay awake through Ellen’s Energy Adventure.)
REFURB: Maelstrom (July 1988)
What is not to love about this watery dark ride?! From the moment you step into the queue, it’s a perfect blend of crazy sights, delicious wet smells and soothing cool breezes. And once you’ve exited the gently swaying boat and walked through the pleasant little seaside town, there’s another room—just as dark and with some crazy-amazing seats! There’s no beating it, and there’s no question that it’s totally worth the refurbishment. What would I change? Not much, but it could use some spit and polish, especially in the boat ride.
MARRY: Honey I Shrunk the Kids Movie Set (December 1990)
I’m betting, if this was your blog, you’d have killed this playground. But you’d be wrong. It’s the funnest playground in the World, and you don’t appreciate it enough. Simple fact: there is nowhere else that you can slide down a canister of Kodak film and stick your whole arm up a dog’s nose before riding on the back of a giant ant. And don’t even try to tell me that you don’t want to do those things because you totally do.
So that’s my list. Share yours in the comments below!
Ok, I can accept your choices- but NOT your order!
That playground is fuin, but looks like it shpulc come with a tetanus shot. Kill!
Maelstrom- oh sure there be trolls- after a 50 cattle pen walk past creepy fish killer boy onto the shortest ride ever! Refurb!
The early movie industry was a bit hokey, but lovable so I would move that the the final spot. Marry!
I still respect you, tho. Great post!
Sorry, girl! Agree to disagree.
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I agree 100%
GMR just needs to be gutted…. the concept is good, but honestly, I think a good portion of the movies are so random and the animatronics are so bad, the entire thing needs to rise from the ashes.
Maelstrom, I would referb, but would not change anything as far as storyline. It just needs some TLC
And Honey I Shrunk the Playground — not going to lie, I have a special place in my heart for that movie and place. Yeah, the kids don’t get the references…. but who cares? They are sliding down giant pieces of grass and everything is larger than life. A win in my book
Hey, soul sister.
We are going to have to run around the playground a bit next time we’re in Orlando at the same time.
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What’s that Kodacolor thing you’re sliding down in the picture from Honey, I Shrunk the Kids?
It is the most awesome slide ever!
What a fun game! Just given those three attractions, though my choices for the order would be different
I’d refurb Great Movie Ride (it definitely needs something, though I’d prefer not to see it killed!), marry Maelstrom, and kill the playground (sorry, it just does the least for me out of the choices!) 
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Have you ever really run around the playground, though?!!? Am I the only giant kid in the room besides Ashley?
I would, but every time I pass it by it’s swarmed with little kids! Maybe I need to check it out during more of an “off” time.
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I’ve played in HISTK playground. Sorry, but I’d still kill it. Like, prttynpnk, it’s a cesspool of kid germs. (I’m kidding. A little.) I’d refurb TGMR. I think it has possibilities, but needs serious updating. And I’d marry the Maelstrom. It’s cheesy, but way fun and I love the way the narrator says “the fjord of Nor-vay.” Plus, I love the trolls and seeing the big polar bears, especially backwards.
But on to some other attractions (in Epcot)…
Kill — Universe of Energy. I love dinosaurs. I love Ellen. Bill Nye is alright. But I can get both at better places (Dinosaur the Ride and the Ellen Show, respectively). The ride is long and boring and I really don’t like seeing Ellen fighting dinosaurs. Alternate kill: The Land.
Refurb– the Three Caballeros refurb of Rio del Tiempo. The original was insulting of Central Americans with horrible stereotypes, and this somehow manages to tell you less and focus more on the cartoon characters rather than the actual culture of the people. Alternate refurb: The Land.
Marry – Soaring. Who doesn’t love this. Yes, I wish the Epcot version had done a different film than the Cali Adventure one, but still, there’s nothing better than smelling oranges and pine and water as you glide peacefully over California.
I am sorry, but I must insist that you’re wrong about the playground!!!
That said, I love your picks! Except The Land. It’s so old and lame, but I love it.
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