You are probably familiar with the popular parlor game, Kill – Boff – Marry, where given the choice between three things, you must decide which you’d murder, sleep with or spend the rest of your life with. In honor of IllumiNations’ 25th birthday (it opened for the first time January 30, 1988), Estelle and I decided to play a little game of Kill – Refurb – Marry with several attractions from the original IllumiNations era of Walt Disney World. Don’t judge us.
KILL: The Great Movie Ride (May 1989)
Please hold your tomatoes! I know, I know … you love this attraction. It’s “classic” WDW, and everyone should love it. Pretty much everyone does. Except me. I mean, I am not averse to sitting for 20 delightful air conditioned minutes, but … eh. It’s hokey and a little insulting. The audio-animatronics are laughably bad, and my attention span is just too short. (I think this is why I’ve never managed to stay awake through Ellen’s Energy Adventure.)
REFURB: Maelstrom (July 1988)
What is not to love about this watery dark ride?! From the moment you step into the queue, it’s a perfect blend of crazy sights, delicious wet smells and soothing cool breezes. And once you’ve exited the gently swaying boat and walked through the pleasant little seaside town, there’s another room—just as dark and with some crazy-amazing seats! There’s no beating it, and there’s no question that it’s totally worth the refurbishment. What would I change? Not much, but it could use some spit and polish, especially in the boat ride.
MARRY: Honey I Shrunk the Kids Movie Set (December 1990)
I’m betting, if this was your blog, you’d have killed this playground. But you’d be wrong. It’s the funnest playground in the World, and you don’t appreciate it enough. Simple fact: there is nowhere else that you can slide down a canister of Kodak film and stick your whole arm up a dog’s nose before riding on the back of a giant ant. And don’t even try to tell me that you don’t want to do those things because you totally do. So that’s my list. Share yours in the comments below!