It was late August when I found a display of Disney-themed Halloween candy in my local Wegmans, and I was momentarily hypnotized–drawn in by Cruella’s toothy smile and Ursula’s magnificent mullet.
Much like an all-too-trusting Disney princess, I thought, “Hey, how bad could these evil witches really be?!” I put three bags of Deliciously Wicked “gourmet” candy into my cart and made my way to the checkout counter.
Here you can see five of the six flavors: The Evil Queen’s Sour Green Apple Saltwater Taffy, Ursula’s Blackberry Magic Candy Corn, Maleficent’s Fiery Cinnamon Saltwater Taffy, The Evil Queen’s Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn and Cruella de Vil’s Red Velvet Cake Saltwater Taffy.
The sixth flavor is The Queen of Hearts’ Candy Apple Candy Corn, based on Alice in Wonderland’s tiny tyrant. For some reason, my grocery store didn’t have this flavor at all. (If you find some at your grocery, let me know what you think!)
Brought to us by Flix Candy, each serving of these seasonal sweets will cost you 160 calories (about 21 pieces of candy corn or five pieces of taffy). But what you really care about is the flavor, am I right?!?
Because she’s brilliant, my friend Sarah suggested we review each of these candies in the style of Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me‘s Sandwich Monday blog. And I thought that was just about the greatest idea ever.
Ursula’s Blackberry Magic Candy Corn
These candies make me feel like a poor, unfortunate soul: in pain. In need … of a barf bag. It’s a full-on olfactory assault from the moment you open the bag until you finally banish these candies to the murky depths. The taste isn’t much better.
Rob: Lavender moth balls and sugar. My favorite!
Sarah: They taste like Michael’s smells; crafted from pure evil.
Melissa: These things are the Flotsam and Jetsam of Halloween candies. I wish she’d taken my tongue instead of my voice.
Rob: I really feel like I just licked potpourri. The after taste. It lingers. Just when you think it’s over, you realize it never left.
Cruella de Vil’s Red Velvet Cake Saltwater Taffy
Where are the little brutes?! Hopefully in the trash bin, where they rightfully belong. We’re assuming the black spot in the center of these these sickly sweet smelling little red candies is a nod to the 101 dalmatians Cruella’s so desperate to skin, which is pretty offensive. But upon tasting it, we agreed that this taffy is remarkably inoffensive. Especially after taking a dip in Ursula’s pool.
Sarah: These things are Cruella and unusual punishment! It’s like they don’t even have the guts to be awful. It makes me angry.
Rob: I’m a man who enjoys his taffy. But these sweet notes could shatter glass. While I do feel like there’s a piece of velvet in my mouth, it does not taste like cake.
Melissa: Out, out, damn spot! They ought to be locked up and never released.
The Evil Queen’s Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn
If the Evil Queen offered Pumpkin Spice Candy Corn to Snow White, she would have just been like, “nah, I’m alright.” End of story. No prince needed. Instead, they ended up on my kitchen table. What a pity.
Rob: Nothing about this is appetizing. Before I even opened it, I knew there was no way this could be good.
Melissa: It smells exactly like cleaning out a pumpkin. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, it’s off to the garbage these go!
Sarah: It’s like licking a spice jar. I wish I could sleep these off for a few months.
Rob: At first, it’s not as bad as you think it’s going to be. But then it is so much worse. The nutmeg, hot tamale clove snuck up on me. It’s like spice cabinet ninjas just attacked my mouth.
At nearly $5/bag, this isn’t exactly the kind of candy you’re going to be giving out to Trick-or-Treaters, and God help you if you if you try to pass this off as anything other an an emetic at your fancy adults-only Halloween party.
Have you tried any of the gourmet villains candies? Let us know in the comments below!