Editor’s Note: Recently, Dan and I watched the Disney Channel Original Movie, Descendants. I’d been intending to review it or maybe just write up a fashion-related post about it, but once the movie got going … well, so did Dan. He simply couldn’t wrap his head around what he was seeing, and he started ranting. I encouraged him to write down his thoughts, and this is the awesome result, which is actually spoiler free! Enjoy!
Melissa made me watch Descendants. The plot is pretty insane: Basically, the Beast and Belle united the various Disney Kingdoms into the United States of Auradon, and they banish all of the baddies to an island that’s protected by magic (so the villains can’t escape).
Their son, Ben, suggests giving some of the villains’ kids an opportunity to come off the island and attend school alongside the teenage children of iconic Disney heroes. Because it’s not their fault the parents are bad! However, the evil teens are under pressure by their parents to help all the villains regain power by stealing the Fairy Godmother’s magic wand. Drama!
Once I figured out the plot (which wasn’t easy at first), I found that I was left with lots of questions. And here they are for your enjoyment:
1. It took seven years for Beast to marry Belle after the events of their film? Seven years?!
2. In what era is this set? In the opening scene, Belle’s sort of dressed like a flapper, but the political system makes it seem more like the 1800s. But there are cars and high-powered sporting devices. When are we?
3. Why does the Beast have a beast on his crown? And Why does he make his people call him King Beast? Was that such a good time in his life that he wants to keep it on his mind all the time?
4. Why is the villain island basically Brooklyn?
5. Who decided that Maleficent’s character should be based on Rita from Power Rangers?
6. Speaking of Maleficent, how in the hell did they convince Kristin Chenoweth to sign on for this crap?
7. What happened to Cruella? To her skin, I mean. And how did she give birth to N’Sync era Justin Timberlake?
8. Who choreographs the troubled kids?
9. How did Jafar go from bad-ass magician and royal vizier to owner of a Quickie Mart? And did no one think that was a little racist?
10. If Jafar hated Aladdin so much, why did he let his son grow up an Aladdin-level thief?
11. Is this a Golden Girls spinoff? It could be. Maleficent, Evil Queen and crazy Cruella, sitting around, eating desserts and kvetching?
13. What Imagineer wasted perfectly good brain juice on the evil lair? They have a “WICKEDAIRE” brand fridge, and the alphabet letter magnets on the door spell out REVENGE FOOLS!
14. Who came up with these terrible names? Evie is the Evil Queen’s daughter. Mal is Maleficent’s daughter. Jay is Jafar’s son. And Carlos is Cruella’s son … which actually is a pretty lame name for an extremely lame character.
15. How does the son become king while his father is still alive? What monarchy works like that? And who thought it was cool for a 16-year-old to be king? I guess he just couldn’t wait to be king…
16. If these kids have magic, why do they break in to places and steal things? Why don’t they just teleport the thing they want/need?
17. In the museum … does the wax figure of Maleficent actually come to life and perform a jaunty tune? Or is the stress of this whole scenario causing Mal to have psychotic break?
18. If Disney’s stories all take place in different times and places with characters of different ages, how in the great white hell are all of their kids the same age?! Gross thought: Cinderella’s son (who is, by the way, a total idiot) is the same age as Fairy Godmother’s daughter. Ew.
19. The big game at school is called Tourney, which is an awful medieval mix of football, lacrosse and hockey. Is this Disney’s attempt to invent their own quidditch-style phenomenon?
20. How did Toto from Oz The Great and Powerful become the heroes’ school mascot??
21. What is the significance of the Enchanted Lake? And the glowing rock that Ben pulls out from it? It’s a fairly long scene that’s (partially) explained by a single line before the climax of the film, but it left a lot of questions.
22. Where did they find the Rocketeer’s jacket? And how did Jay get it?
24. Is it just me or did they totally leave things open for a sequel? True facts: Even though this was pretty awful, I’d watch the follow up.
Did you watch Descendants? What were your thoughts? Let us know!